As I begin to write today, it is still dark.

I woke an hour ago, conscious of rising from the dark of sleep and not wanting to come to the surface of the new year. I swam a bit, trying to stay under in that night that still held its anchor in 2024.

I’ve never had dread about a new year like this before. I tried not to focus on it, tried to imagine new versions of myself that I might grow into, new projects I might embark on, I tried to think of a newer, more financially secure me that might finally merge all the parts of into one beautiful, humming life. It’s all felt so piecemeal for such a long time. Like so many scraps.

But the dread is there. I don’t want another Trump presidency. I don’t want our society thrashed apart like flesh in the mouth of that Minotaur. I no longer believe our labyrinth of checks and balances is strong enough to contain him. And, I also don’t want to waste any more of my life fearing it. The temptation is to flee, to not participate. But it doesn’t work for me. We have our parents here, our home, our pets- we can’t abandon ship, even a sinking one. But we also can’t let ourselves sink into the icy, paralyzing fear either.

When we freeze, we lose. We give up the fight and we can not do that.

I know it will be a daily struggle. I know that listening to the news for two hours in the morning and again for two hours in the afternoon isn’t good for me. It didn’t leave me stronger from 2016-2020, it left me shaky and depleted. But I also need to be aware, to keep up with the horrors of current events. But how much can we actually take in? What can we process when so much is pouring into our ears and eyes?

I realized I am more dangerous to fascism when I am fully myself.

I know I need to separate my sense of worth from my financial gain. I did not choose a lucrative path in life and everyone who has ever struggled financially knows that it can make you feel worthless. I’m growing in this area, but feeling worthless does not equip one with strength! This strategy is an age old tactic we are seeing play out now. Our wealth gap remains in the top ten globally each year and when 10% of the population holds 67% of the wealth¹, this is easily weaponized. If we feel small, the hope is, we will be disempowered.

I don’t have a solution to this. I haven’t even been able to reconcile it in my own life and I’m one of the lucky ones with a roof over my head and enough food everyday!

It might sound selfish, but think that misses the point. If I am happy, I am stronger. When I have a small success, I believe I can have another. If others around me have their own cups full, then together we can really resist a system that wants us to feel like going backward is inevitable. We need to put on our oxygen masks so we can help others put on theirs.

So, this year I’m determined to have my focus be smaller. I know my oxygen mask is my artwork, the sense of freedom I feel when I’m creating. It is also my garden and the work I do in others’ gardens. Being outside in every weather makes me feel strong and connected to the planet. It is also social. I’m blessed to the brim by my glorious friends. I am stronger in a group, whether in person or as a part of a larger movement or even by a phone call every now and again. Feeling that support buoys me through the alone times when I’m prone to drift a bit.

I guess I’m coming at 2025 determined to swim and not sink. Determined to take care of myself, so that I can take care of others and determined to prioritize art making, whatever that might look like.

It’s daylight out now, and there’s no going back.

Wishing you all the best this year,

Ro

1. https://www.stlouisfed.org/community-development-research/the-state-of-us-wealth-inequality